Motherhood and intimacy
My desire to go deeper
“Like the roots that grow under the ground, so I desire my life and relationship experiences to be experienced on a deeper level”
After I gave birth to my daughter, something changed within me that I couldn’t put my finger on. It was as if the birth of my daughter also birthed a new me. Of course I was still the same me in regards to my hobbies, interests, my ambitious streak, my sense of adventure etc. The part of me that changed was my need to have or experience deeper intimacy in my marriage. And this got me thinking why I needed this now more than ever. So my curious mind started looking at research work into changes that happen within women when they give birth. And lo and behold, there was research evidence that showed that a woman’s brain undergoes changes during pregnancy and after birth.
A study published in Nature Neuroscience done by the research team at Autonomous University of Barcelona, led by neuroscientist Elseline Hoekzema of Leiden University, reveals that during pregnancy, women undergo significant brain re-modelling that persists for at least two years after birth. The study also offers preliminary evidence that this remodelling may play a role in helping women transition into motherhood. I will not bore you with all the details now. I will link the details at the end of the article if you want to know more about the study.
All I can say is that I was relieved to read that the brain undergoes some kind of changes. So it made sense that the emotional part of my brain was now longing for intimacy that is on a deeper level. The challenge was how I was going to communicate that to my significant other. “Would he receive my message in a positive manner, or as a criticism that he was perhaps was lacking in the intimacy department?”. And let me make it clear. My need for deeper intimacy wasn’t because my significant other was lacking, I think it boiled down to the fact that my emotions got heightened after the birth of my daughter. Everything I was experiencing was on a heightened level. The heightened sense I was experiencing spilled into every part of my life, and it’s still the same to this day.
And before anyone thinks that intimacy is all about the sexual aspect of a relationship, I suggest you do some reading to understand what constitutes intimacy in a relationship. The types of intimacy I was craving were intellectual and experiential intimacy.
Intellectual intimacy is about sharing one’s ideas, thoughts and opinions. I find intellectual conversations very sexy. I love having my brain serenaded with an intellectual conversation. It is the best foreplay in my opinion. And I can honestly say that this part was missing in our marriage when our daughter was born, and to some extent is still missing now because all we seemed/seem to talk about for a period of time was/is about our daughter. Nothing about our conversations was/is about us and our life as a couple or as individuals. So yeah, I got/get tired of the small talk, toddler talk and household talk. Because for anyone that knows me, I don’t do small talk. It dulls my mind. I honestly feel like I lose a few brain cells whenever I do. But I was/is slowly learning and accepting that when you have a child, mundane and small talk happens a lot of the time. And I had/have had to get on board.
Experiential intimacy is experienced by spending time together, pursuing and participating in hobbies and activities together. This helps to glue a couple to each other. Plus it’s important to have a fun and adventurous element in a relationship, otherwise a relationship is bound to be boring. And who has has the time for a boring relationship? I get it that the arrival of a baby pushes other things on the back burner, but the lack of experiential intimacy affected me. I guess this is because I am a doer. I love to do things. That has always been my nature. On the other hand, my significant other is laid back and needs to be coerced into getting out of the house to go and do something. So once again, I had to get on board the train of babyville, and now toddlerville, where nothing fun happens much, at least for the first few months and years. But a part of me thinks my significant other was enjoying this inactive period more than he is willing to admit.
So I told myself that it was probably not really much about a change in my brain, but maybe just something I was missing due to a change in our circumstances. But on the flip side, I also reasoned that because my self awareness and perspective on life was on another level as a result of becoming a mother, it was probable that my yearning for intimacy was maybe because my brain had re-modelled itself to another level that wouldn’t let me accept the bare minimum anymore.
Motherhood has changed me, and it has been for the better. It has helped me evaluate what kind of life I truly want, and it is something I am not willing to compromise on because I have realised that I have compromised a lot already.
My time is now precious. I have a lot on my plate, which gives me little time to do much for myself because my daughter is young and demands much of my time. So the little time I have, I want to spend doing meaningful, fulfilling, fun, adventurous things. I have no time for the bare minimum anymore.
“Or am I asking for too much?
Reference:
Caruso, C. (2024, February 20). Pregnancy causes lasting changes in a woman’s brain. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/pregnancy-causes-lasting-changes-in-a-womans-brain/